Do you find yourself in sometimes painful, seemingly endless and repetitive conversations with your partner about what each of you thinks is wrong about the other? Or maybe it goes one way most of the time—one person raises issues and the other doesn’t, and it usually seems like those issues are about the other person? Or maybe you hear your partner express his or her feelings, and you go into shame, blame or defensiveness? What stories are you living inside of about what love is supposed to be like? And how are each of you measuring up?
You think you are giving attention to your partner and to your relationships. You think you are expressing yourself, saying what’s true for you, and saying what you need. But are you actually talking about you? Or are you talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, and what you did or did not like about he or she did or did not do? My oh my, it is soooo easy to fall into this trap. Even though you may have heard a million times (or maybe not): use “I” statements, talk from your own perspective, talk about yourself. You still may find yourself saying or thinking things like:
- “I feel frustrated because I want you to listen better.”
- “I feel neglected when I don’t hear from you for days at a time.”
- “I get really uncomfortable when you say things like that or when you do such and such.”
- “I feel like you need me too much.”
- “I wish you would be kinder, nicer, stronger, lighter, more intimate, more independent, more this, more that etc. etc. etc.. . .”
Sound familiar? And it’s tricky because you do want to speak up for yourself, you do want to be heard, and you do want to be able to listen to when your partner brings things up. But our patterns of co-dependency are so ingrained, that it makes it difficult to sort out what is what, whose is what, and what is whose. And our cultural conditioning toward placing blame often makes communication and connection into causalities.
I use the term co-dependent broadly to name ways of relating in which we get entangled in each other’s feelings and needs, and expect other people to do things so we’ll feel better—or are willing to mold ourselves so that we’ll be loved and approved of. This is basic conditioning, and many parents did and continue to do this actively and purposefully. They call it socialization. It’s training, and it can be more or less like dog training depending on how compassionate or aware your parents were. It’s usually based on rewards and punishments: do it the way I like it, and you’ll be rewarded, maybe. Don’t do it the way I like, and you’ll be punished, probably. Schools operate the same way. Less so now, but it’s still there. And it’s deeply ingrained.
Couples get into trouble when you spend time in each other’s business, and not in your own. What I say to clients (and to myself), is come back home to yourself. What is going on inside of you that you are feeling that way when that particular thing happens? What story are you living inside of about how partners are supposed to behave, and about what love is supposed to be like? Where did this story come from, and who is playing what role in the drama of your life? Do the roles or interactions remind you of anything? If so, take a deep breath, step back, and try to see the story from a different perspective. As you step back, you can step out of patterned behavior and see it for what it is. You might not be able to change it immediately. But seeing it is always the first step. As you do so you begin to take responsibility in the sense of owning your perceptions. And you begin to develop your respond-ability to notice rather than reacting.
So this Valentine’s Day—notice what your story is about what love is supposed to be like, and decide if it’s the one you want to keep living inside of—or not.
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